Psst! Wanna buy a good bottle? Cheap!

Popped (pooped?) the latest column out, on wine fraud as it happens, to much applause. Which left me somewhat bemused.

The plot, for those needing to be brought up to speed, is as follows. Wine sells for big money. Even modestly priced wine, like a Chianti Reserva is worth $20-$30ish. This doesn’t sound like a lot of money, but think of it in terms of tanks of gas and you get the drift. Wine is still the most expensive beverage, even very modestly priced wine. (There are exceptions, Two Buck Chuck, Pacific Peak, or - shudder! - home made wine. I’ll address those another time.) If you’re raising a couple of kids on 30K, you ain’t drinking much Chianti Reserva.

On the other hand, if you’re single even with a modest income, $20, $50, even $100 might be something you’d do occasionally. This is the key insight behind Grey Goose Vodka. (Nobody, can taste the difference between Grey Goose and other brands. Sure, in a controlled tasting, side by side, you might be able to; but in a bar? With mix? Good luck. I have a standing offer. I choose any two other vodkas in the bar, the total price of which will not exceed the price of GG, and the taster must pick the Goose. Wrong pick, he pays for the vodka and for three of my drinks. Right choice I pick up the tab for 3 GG. I haven’t lost yet. I encourage you to try this bet yourself and report the results back to me. I suspect you will have many nights of free drinks in front of you.) But people are willing to indulge themselves in affordable luxury. Sure GG is expensive; but in the grand scheme of things, can you afford a $15 martini?

But to return to wine fraud, people have been counterfeiting wine for at least the last fifty years. In the ‘70s and ‘80s Italians sold Croatian wine as Chianti and Venetian. Champagne labels re-branded when they were low, and the French sold Italian wine as French. These days the crime is more likely to be criminal in nature. People actually counterfeiting bottles and labels of wine to sell as the original. In 2005 the Italians seized 6.6 million bottles of Falanghina, a prized Sicilian white that sells for about $15-$50.

Brunello ($50) is being regularly knocked off, as are mid-priced Californian, French and Australian products. I inspected a Japanese high-end Sake ($60) recently with not one, not two, not three, but six hologram labels to prevent counterfeiting. The market for the Sake was China. Nuff said.

Okay so far so good. Punters are always trying for a deal. And punters always lose. That’s why your government loves VLTs and local casinos.

My question is: why is this such a popular topic?

Is it because snobs such as myself and Sotheby’s of London (subpoenaed in NY Mar. 6 re: grand jury investigation into systematic wine fraud) can’t tell the difference between plonk and the Real Thing?

Is it because we all at heart chuckle at the rogues who take punters down a notch?

Or is it because it reassures readers who don’t get the lavender and spice from that bottle of chard-semillion, that they aren’t alone. Beats me.

Funny business, wine drinking.